To The Man I Will Someday Love

Below is a letter I found in my daughter’s website (I have her permission to share this). She wrote it to “the man I will someday love.” I was expecting to read a gushing, romantic, idealistic tome. I was humbled instead by her sentiments. It’s filled with sensible expectations. I pray that this will make every girl believe that hope does spring eternal, and even if your heart has been broken a few times, you can always put the pieces back together, and make it right the next time around. Take your time. Don’t rush and don’t just “settle.” If it’s part of His plan, God’s best awaits you out there.

Letter:

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains. I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper. You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

This is written by Albert Einstein. Read it carefully and try to reflect.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love,
we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us.
We miss out on so many beautiful things
simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words,
for you will find rewarding happiness not with man you love but the man who loves you more.
The best lovers are capable of loving from a distance far enough
to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone!
Doesn’t mean you have to stop loving,
it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness
without expecting him to come back.
Letting go is not just setting the other person free,
but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness,
hatred, and anger that keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare you away your strength and weaken your faith,
and never allow pain to dishearten you,
but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.
You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return.
But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.
We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past,
but real peace and happiness come only in acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful
and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person.
This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives
and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions.
The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer,
but in the end, our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.
You don’t have to forget someone you love.
What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality
without being bitter or sorry for yourself.
Believe me, you would never be better off giving that dedication
and love to someone more deserving.
Don’t let your heart run your life,
be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.

Listen not only to your feelings but to reasons as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone today,
it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.
If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love.
Cry if you have to, but make it sure that tears wash away
the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you.
Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you,
and when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.


There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is though everything is a miracle.

Marriage

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Not My Usual Self

Funny how I just had this sudden urge to write. I can't even recall the last time that I really had time to sit down, reflect and just write whatever inspires my fingers to type. Now, surprisingly after so long, I'm doing it again. 

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It's like there's so many things that I want to share but my fingers might give up on me. It's instances like these  when I just wish that one day, a super advance robot would do the typing for me or better yet one which would translate my thoughts into 

words so that I won't have to stammer, lovely isn't it? 

On a serious note, I'd just like to break away from the all the 'formation activities' and just be me, me as Tin. After all, I think it's just appropriate to "treat yourself when you're stressed out regardless of the cost" (Alarcon 2010). Yes, I am feeling REALLY tired and stressed out as I'm writing this and it was specifically on this day when I had to stop to re-evaluate how my life has been over the past two years. 

Yesterday, the brother of Ate Lheila Mendoza died due to cardiac arrest, he was a 3rd year DIA student. Today, Ma'am Jean Llorin, the mother of Sir Karl Llorin and one of our 'frequent resource person in SpEx' died. Tomorrow, we can't tell who.. it could be a neighbor, a former classmate, a good friend or just a stranger. There are always uncertainties in life and yes, we only live once.

When I learned about what happened, I felt like I just spaced out. I simply sat still as I tried to recover where I left my thoughts. It was also the exact time when unconsciously I just blurted out ''I AM REALLY TIRED''. Kuya Egz just stared at me and nodded… it was very consoling. Then slowly, I started to open up how I was feeling over the past months.

Generally, I am really tired. I am tired of self-imposed deadlines, organizing a new event even if I haven’t even started collating the evaluation of ‘last week’s activity’, rewinding the recorded conversation for the nth time just to get the statements right, distributing all those ‘TO ALL CONCERNED ADMINISTRATORS, FACULTY and STAFF’ memo and worst of all the ‘taga salo’ practice.  Compared before, these experiences were still tolerable but it seems like the more I get used to it, the more I become ‘less human’.

*sigh* I miss my old self…

I miss the Tin who would laugh at her own jokes, I miss the Tin who’s never afraid to express how she feels, I miss the Tin who listens and converses, I miss the Tin who puts high regard to relationships, I miss the Tin who appreciates the real meaning of LIFE and most of all, the Tin without inhibitions.

With my work as ‘her’ Admin. Assistant, I could really say that I learned a lot from her – from the simple differentiation of a long-barrelled stapler from an ordinary stapler to the acquisition of the necessary ‘skills’ needed for one to survive in the Ignatian Formation Center. Specifically, I learned a lot as a worker but I was never ready for the consequences. I was never ready for what it would make me become.

Lately, I developed this ‘habit’ of spacing out. You’ll be amazed how I changed from the ‘makwento’ type to a very ‘silent’ person particularly after office hours. Usually, when Tim would fetch me after work, I would just say ‘hi’ then the rest of our dinner, he talks while I nod. I would only answer when asked. There were also a number of times when it became an issue, Tim never gets used to the ‘silent me’, he feels awkward when I don’t utter a single word. Partnered with my newly acquired level of impatience, I would say ‘wala’ then I’d never talk to him for the rest of the night. Same thing with my mom, when she’s telling me a story (it’s actually more of a ‘chismis’), I would just nod to show her that I’m listening but if you’d ask me 5 minutes after what she just told me, I’d just give you a blank stare. Honestly, I consciously developed this ‘habit’ to spare me from exhausting my almost depleted energy level so I could plan out my ‘things-to-do’ for the next day.  

Moreover, I have also acquired the royal ‘cold-blooded’ skill. I had to install an EMOTIONLESS MICROCHIP to prevent my EGO from tearing into pieces. If I will recall the ‘painful incidents’ that I had to go through just so we could have a PERFECT output according to her standards, I might end up consuming all my energy sobbing and/or writing but because of the magical microchip, every hurting word feels so ordinary. Honestly, I can’t even believe how I managed to keep my composure when she’s in WARLA mode. Worst, I can’t believe that I had grown this numb that I am already hesitant expressing my emotions. I think I have become what I never wanted to be. To be more specific and as confirmed with Tim, I became less thoughtful, less exciting and bitter. I can’t even remember the last time I surprised Tim or the last time that I even showed I cared for him. When he was sick and we can’t go out, I decided to stay home and surfed the net all day but if it was the old Tin, she would surprisingly visit him, cook something for him even it’s just pancit canton and spend the rest of her day beside him, just to make sure that he’s ok. Unfortunately, the old Tin is hiding to protect herself.

You see, I never wanted to change. I was happy with my old self. I was not guilty when I made a mistake, I was not afraid of trying anything because I was confident, I was not as bitter, I was not pessimistic, I had all the time to look at the world and smile, I had a healthy relationship with Tim and my family and I was completely aware of who I am. If you ask me now to describe myself, I would probably respond by enumerating the ideal skills that an administrative assistant  should have but if you asked me the same question two years ago, I might answer ‘friendly, jolly, loves to blog and so on’. Sadly, I can’t even identify myself now.

Life is meant to be happy right? Working is just one aspect of life. Your work should not consume your entire existence; it should not consume your essence as a person. It’s depressing to recall how I became impatient, less expressive and pessimistic over the past two years. This is not what I want. This is not what my life should be. On the lighter side, maybe this is a calling to re-evaluate my priorities in life. Do I really want this? Am I fully ready to take more consequences if this will go on? What more am I willing to sacrifice? Maybe, just maybe, I’ve given justice to my job description but my job was never gave justice in giving me life. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.

Next Stop: Calaguas Island

After our Bohol trip in June, I am definitely going here. Imagine, you can enjoy this Boracay-like island here in Bicolandia for just p2000. This could be part of my bucketlist ^_^

CALAGUAS ISLAND, CAMARINES NORTE