Marriage

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Not My Usual Self

Funny how I just had this sudden urge to write. I can't even recall the last time that I really had time to sit down, reflect and just write whatever inspires my fingers to type. Now, surprisingly after so long, I'm doing it again. 

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It's like there's so many things that I want to share but my fingers might give up on me. It's instances like these  when I just wish that one day, a super advance robot would do the typing for me or better yet one which would translate my thoughts into 

words so that I won't have to stammer, lovely isn't it? 

On a serious note, I'd just like to break away from the all the 'formation activities' and just be me, me as Tin. After all, I think it's just appropriate to "treat yourself when you're stressed out regardless of the cost" (Alarcon 2010). Yes, I am feeling REALLY tired and stressed out as I'm writing this and it was specifically on this day when I had to stop to re-evaluate how my life has been over the past two years. 

Yesterday, the brother of Ate Lheila Mendoza died due to cardiac arrest, he was a 3rd year DIA student. Today, Ma'am Jean Llorin, the mother of Sir Karl Llorin and one of our 'frequent resource person in SpEx' died. Tomorrow, we can't tell who.. it could be a neighbor, a former classmate, a good friend or just a stranger. There are always uncertainties in life and yes, we only live once.

When I learned about what happened, I felt like I just spaced out. I simply sat still as I tried to recover where I left my thoughts. It was also the exact time when unconsciously I just blurted out ''I AM REALLY TIRED''. Kuya Egz just stared at me and nodded… it was very consoling. Then slowly, I started to open up how I was feeling over the past months.

Generally, I am really tired. I am tired of self-imposed deadlines, organizing a new event even if I haven’t even started collating the evaluation of ‘last week’s activity’, rewinding the recorded conversation for the nth time just to get the statements right, distributing all those ‘TO ALL CONCERNED ADMINISTRATORS, FACULTY and STAFF’ memo and worst of all the ‘taga salo’ practice.  Compared before, these experiences were still tolerable but it seems like the more I get used to it, the more I become ‘less human’.

*sigh* I miss my old self…

I miss the Tin who would laugh at her own jokes, I miss the Tin who’s never afraid to express how she feels, I miss the Tin who listens and converses, I miss the Tin who puts high regard to relationships, I miss the Tin who appreciates the real meaning of LIFE and most of all, the Tin without inhibitions.

With my work as ‘her’ Admin. Assistant, I could really say that I learned a lot from her – from the simple differentiation of a long-barrelled stapler from an ordinary stapler to the acquisition of the necessary ‘skills’ needed for one to survive in the Ignatian Formation Center. Specifically, I learned a lot as a worker but I was never ready for the consequences. I was never ready for what it would make me become.

Lately, I developed this ‘habit’ of spacing out. You’ll be amazed how I changed from the ‘makwento’ type to a very ‘silent’ person particularly after office hours. Usually, when Tim would fetch me after work, I would just say ‘hi’ then the rest of our dinner, he talks while I nod. I would only answer when asked. There were also a number of times when it became an issue, Tim never gets used to the ‘silent me’, he feels awkward when I don’t utter a single word. Partnered with my newly acquired level of impatience, I would say ‘wala’ then I’d never talk to him for the rest of the night. Same thing with my mom, when she’s telling me a story (it’s actually more of a ‘chismis’), I would just nod to show her that I’m listening but if you’d ask me 5 minutes after what she just told me, I’d just give you a blank stare. Honestly, I consciously developed this ‘habit’ to spare me from exhausting my almost depleted energy level so I could plan out my ‘things-to-do’ for the next day.  

Moreover, I have also acquired the royal ‘cold-blooded’ skill. I had to install an EMOTIONLESS MICROCHIP to prevent my EGO from tearing into pieces. If I will recall the ‘painful incidents’ that I had to go through just so we could have a PERFECT output according to her standards, I might end up consuming all my energy sobbing and/or writing but because of the magical microchip, every hurting word feels so ordinary. Honestly, I can’t even believe how I managed to keep my composure when she’s in WARLA mode. Worst, I can’t believe that I had grown this numb that I am already hesitant expressing my emotions. I think I have become what I never wanted to be. To be more specific and as confirmed with Tim, I became less thoughtful, less exciting and bitter. I can’t even remember the last time I surprised Tim or the last time that I even showed I cared for him. When he was sick and we can’t go out, I decided to stay home and surfed the net all day but if it was the old Tin, she would surprisingly visit him, cook something for him even it’s just pancit canton and spend the rest of her day beside him, just to make sure that he’s ok. Unfortunately, the old Tin is hiding to protect herself.

You see, I never wanted to change. I was happy with my old self. I was not guilty when I made a mistake, I was not afraid of trying anything because I was confident, I was not as bitter, I was not pessimistic, I had all the time to look at the world and smile, I had a healthy relationship with Tim and my family and I was completely aware of who I am. If you ask me now to describe myself, I would probably respond by enumerating the ideal skills that an administrative assistant  should have but if you asked me the same question two years ago, I might answer ‘friendly, jolly, loves to blog and so on’. Sadly, I can’t even identify myself now.

Life is meant to be happy right? Working is just one aspect of life. Your work should not consume your entire existence; it should not consume your essence as a person. It’s depressing to recall how I became impatient, less expressive and pessimistic over the past two years. This is not what I want. This is not what my life should be. On the lighter side, maybe this is a calling to re-evaluate my priorities in life. Do I really want this? Am I fully ready to take more consequences if this will go on? What more am I willing to sacrifice? Maybe, just maybe, I’ve given justice to my job description but my job was never gave justice in giving me life. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.