Not My Usual Self

Funny how I just had this sudden urge to write. I can't even recall the last time that I really had time to sit down, reflect and just write whatever inspires my fingers to type. Now, surprisingly after so long, I'm doing it again. 

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It's like there's so many things that I want to share but my fingers might give up on me. It's instances like these  when I just wish that one day, a super advance robot would do the typing for me or better yet one which would translate my thoughts into 

words so that I won't have to stammer, lovely isn't it? 

On a serious note, I'd just like to break away from the all the 'formation activities' and just be me, me as Tin. After all, I think it's just appropriate to "treat yourself when you're stressed out regardless of the cost" (Alarcon 2010). Yes, I am feeling REALLY tired and stressed out as I'm writing this and it was specifically on this day when I had to stop to re-evaluate how my life has been over the past two years. 

Yesterday, the brother of Ate Lheila Mendoza died due to cardiac arrest, he was a 3rd year DIA student. Today, Ma'am Jean Llorin, the mother of Sir Karl Llorin and one of our 'frequent resource person in SpEx' died. Tomorrow, we can't tell who.. it could be a neighbor, a former classmate, a good friend or just a stranger. There are always uncertainties in life and yes, we only live once.

When I learned about what happened, I felt like I just spaced out. I simply sat still as I tried to recover where I left my thoughts. It was also the exact time when unconsciously I just blurted out ''I AM REALLY TIRED''. Kuya Egz just stared at me and nodded… it was very consoling. Then slowly, I started to open up how I was feeling over the past months.

Generally, I am really tired. I am tired of self-imposed deadlines, organizing a new event even if I haven’t even started collating the evaluation of ‘last week’s activity’, rewinding the recorded conversation for the nth time just to get the statements right, distributing all those ‘TO ALL CONCERNED ADMINISTRATORS, FACULTY and STAFF’ memo and worst of all the ‘taga salo’ practice.  Compared before, these experiences were still tolerable but it seems like the more I get used to it, the more I become ‘less human’.

*sigh* I miss my old self…

I miss the Tin who would laugh at her own jokes, I miss the Tin who’s never afraid to express how she feels, I miss the Tin who listens and converses, I miss the Tin who puts high regard to relationships, I miss the Tin who appreciates the real meaning of LIFE and most of all, the Tin without inhibitions.

With my work as ‘her’ Admin. Assistant, I could really say that I learned a lot from her – from the simple differentiation of a long-barrelled stapler from an ordinary stapler to the acquisition of the necessary ‘skills’ needed for one to survive in the Ignatian Formation Center. Specifically, I learned a lot as a worker but I was never ready for the consequences. I was never ready for what it would make me become.

Lately, I developed this ‘habit’ of spacing out. You’ll be amazed how I changed from the ‘makwento’ type to a very ‘silent’ person particularly after office hours. Usually, when Tim would fetch me after work, I would just say ‘hi’ then the rest of our dinner, he talks while I nod. I would only answer when asked. There were also a number of times when it became an issue, Tim never gets used to the ‘silent me’, he feels awkward when I don’t utter a single word. Partnered with my newly acquired level of impatience, I would say ‘wala’ then I’d never talk to him for the rest of the night. Same thing with my mom, when she’s telling me a story (it’s actually more of a ‘chismis’), I would just nod to show her that I’m listening but if you’d ask me 5 minutes after what she just told me, I’d just give you a blank stare. Honestly, I consciously developed this ‘habit’ to spare me from exhausting my almost depleted energy level so I could plan out my ‘things-to-do’ for the next day.  

Moreover, I have also acquired the royal ‘cold-blooded’ skill. I had to install an EMOTIONLESS MICROCHIP to prevent my EGO from tearing into pieces. If I will recall the ‘painful incidents’ that I had to go through just so we could have a PERFECT output according to her standards, I might end up consuming all my energy sobbing and/or writing but because of the magical microchip, every hurting word feels so ordinary. Honestly, I can’t even believe how I managed to keep my composure when she’s in WARLA mode. Worst, I can’t believe that I had grown this numb that I am already hesitant expressing my emotions. I think I have become what I never wanted to be. To be more specific and as confirmed with Tim, I became less thoughtful, less exciting and bitter. I can’t even remember the last time I surprised Tim or the last time that I even showed I cared for him. When he was sick and we can’t go out, I decided to stay home and surfed the net all day but if it was the old Tin, she would surprisingly visit him, cook something for him even it’s just pancit canton and spend the rest of her day beside him, just to make sure that he’s ok. Unfortunately, the old Tin is hiding to protect herself.

You see, I never wanted to change. I was happy with my old self. I was not guilty when I made a mistake, I was not afraid of trying anything because I was confident, I was not as bitter, I was not pessimistic, I had all the time to look at the world and smile, I had a healthy relationship with Tim and my family and I was completely aware of who I am. If you ask me now to describe myself, I would probably respond by enumerating the ideal skills that an administrative assistant  should have but if you asked me the same question two years ago, I might answer ‘friendly, jolly, loves to blog and so on’. Sadly, I can’t even identify myself now.

Life is meant to be happy right? Working is just one aspect of life. Your work should not consume your entire existence; it should not consume your essence as a person. It’s depressing to recall how I became impatient, less expressive and pessimistic over the past two years. This is not what I want. This is not what my life should be. On the lighter side, maybe this is a calling to re-evaluate my priorities in life. Do I really want this? Am I fully ready to take more consequences if this will go on? What more am I willing to sacrifice? Maybe, just maybe, I’ve given justice to my job description but my job was never gave justice in giving me life. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.